I’m going to let go.
Simply. I’m just going to let go of what I was desperately trying to hold on to or get hold of.
My expectations were too high, reality keeps kicking my behind and it’s no use pushing myself in the opposite direction of the flow of life. Up until now I’ve adapted my expectations and kept on doing so. But it is not enough. I have always told my students to sometimes let go of everthing when you’re stuck. But I forgot to do so myself. Or maybe I chickened out every time I got close. Instead, I kept making plans, creating new expectations. Kept pushing myself. Perhaps I kept pushing myself away from the sadness I felt for leaving my old life, for missing the proximity of some really dear friends.
But the pushing isn’t working. It drains all the energy out of my system. And each time I don’t live up to my own insane expectations, I let myself down. And occasionally others too. And I’m putting a stop to that.
Simply by saying that I don’t know what I will be. Whether I’ll be an illustator or an artist. A teacher or a designer. I don’t want to think about what I WILL BE anymore. I just want to live and do what I feel like doing at the moment. And go from there. But give myself time to get into the flow again and feel alive, instead of barely surviving.
Moving is rough for anybody, I guess. But in the past half year it has been extra tough for me because I am my family’s life support. They’re all depending on me to have a smooth life in more than one way. And I think I’ve managed to do so pretty well. It’s just been a huge task and it was crazy to believe I had to achieve anything more than that. Managing to get a life in order here is an achievement in itself already.
So, I’m going to be a little kinder to myself and see to it that I find a little more time and space to do stuff that I enjoy and regain my spirit. I think I’ll be back up on my feet way soon