If one thing has become clear to me in the past months, it is that I cannot live sanely without sitting down to paint or draw from time to time. So, in the eye of the storm, I’m trying to let my hands have a go at some colors in my journal, which is at the moment pretty much a log of our exciting move.
Here’s just a woman I painted when the sun was shining and I could almost smell spring:
And here’s a painting that carries a deeper meaning to me. Because in a time of change, friendships get re-evaluated. Some friends tend to get closer because they’re sad you’re leaving and others let you down by cutting you off in advance. It’s normal. That’s the way it should be. And it doesn’t mean that the friends who are now withdrawing weren’t valuable friends. They were. But I’ve moved numerous times, across country, and I’ve learned that friendship comes to be and exist under certain circumstances. Change the circumstances and friendships change. They were valuable while they lasted, but you move on and so you have to let go and open yourself up to new friendships. Some people get disillusioned when that happens and cynical. But painful though the process may be, it is necessary. Just imagine what would happen if you had to hold on to every friend you ever made. You wouldn’t have time or space for new friends in your new life. In an odd way, some friends make room for new friends. In that respect you should be grateful that people withdraw! Or at least, that ‘s how I’ve come to see it. And I also realise that if some didn’t withdraw, I’d probably be the one to let them down later on when my new life takes over. So, I’m at peace with what’s happening and I’m very glad to see some very dear friends stay with me, planning to visit us and come see our new life. And then I can finally show them the lovely places by the sea that I’m so attached to. I can finally let them into a chunk of my history, my life. What an incredibly fulfilling prospect!!! I’ve lived away from home for a long time, 15 years in total. And I had forgotten it is still my home. But the closer I get to the move, the better I can smell the salty air. And sometimes, when the wind blows, I wish for leaves to come and make the wind sound like the waves washing ashore.
Anyway, this painting in my journal page is about one question that remains in my mind with the coming and going of friendships and acquaintances: can I trust you? It’s okay if bonds fade, but they will only keep their value, even if only historically, if that person could be trusted. It’s one thing to withdraw, it’s another to team up with another and stab me in the back. I’ve recently had this experience and was totally caught by surprise. The next day I found myself spying for other backstabbers…wondering: can I trust you?
Well, so far my journal pages. I’m working hard and moving on. I’ve had the incredible fortune to have our youngest daughter sleep the entire night so that I’ve finally caught some sleep. The sleepless nights were killing me. But after one night’s sleep I can’t believe how much better and fitter I feel. I’m actually looking forward to finish packing my studio and starting on new piles of stuff!